Founder story – Things I’ve Learned About Romantic Relationships

My name is Matt and I’m the founder of get dopa. Until the age of 37, I had no idea I had ADHD, but I definitely knew that something wasn’t quite right.   

  

At the time, I’d been facing a lot of issues in my professional life. High stress levels, problems with working memory and frequent tension headaches eventually led me to seek professional help and, ultimately, an ADHD diagnosis. You can read more about my journey here. 

  

However, it wasn’t only my professional life that was being impacted by ADHD. My love life was, frankly, a shambles. I hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since the age of 21, and despite frequently dating, things never seemed to progress. 

  

I’m very happy to say I am now engaged to the love of my life and am a proud father to a beautiful baby boy, but the journey to get here has been a bumpy and sometimes painful one. Let’s explore some of the challenges I faced searching for love as an undiagnosed ADHDer - and the game-changers that have helped me since learning how my busy brain functions and impacts relationships. 

  

  

Before we delve into the challenges of actually being in a relationship, let’s take things back a step and discuss how hard it can be to even get as far as date one! As we all know, the modern dating landscape is largely app-based, and this can be fraught with pitfalls when you have ADHD.  

  

  

ADHD loves company, and many people have a co-occurring condition such as anxiety or autism spectrum disorder (ASD). For me it’s dyslexia, which, unsurprisingly, makes written communication such as dating apps a bit of a nightmare. 

  

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) makes many with ADHD extra sensitive to criticism, so the idea that I might be judged on my spelling and grammar made me feel extra vulnerable (not to mention feeling like I was back at school!) 

  

  

It feels unromantic to think of dating as a ‘job’, but knowing I had a series of messages to reply to, each requiring thought and attention, didn’t feel dissimilar to the feeling of dread I experienced when my work inbox was full. 

  

Yes, there would be days when I was flooded with dopamine, and felt able to fire off witty, thoughtful messages to potential matches, but once this dissipated and my enthusiasm for the task wore off, I’d struggle to even open the app. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone, but some days I simply did not have the bandwidth to maintain a conversation. 

  

  

When I did manage to keep a chat going long enough for things to progress to arranging a date (hurray!) this would create another problem – planning! My executive dysfunction made it hard to organise details such as location, activities or timings, which I imagine did not create a great first impression with my dates. 

  

In fact, when I first met my fiancé, I had spectacularly failed to plan anything for us to do. Luckily, she knew a nice pub near our rendezvous point, otherwise it might have been game over before things had even started! I like to think I’ve made up for it since then. 

  

  

So a pre-diagnosed me has managed to keep up a chat, get through date one and we’ve both decided we like each other enough to see each other again. Sounds good, right? Sadly, no. This is where my problems really started. 

  

  

Many of us have experienced that excitement and anticipation when they meet someone they click with. For me, that rush of feelings could quickly turn into what I now know was a dopamine-fuelled hyperfixation, but what I believed at the time to be falling madly, deeply, head-over-heels in Hollywood-worthy L-O-V-E. 

  

If you’re reading this and you also have ADHD, you can probably guess what happened next… that’s right, a blissful two or three weeks, then boom! I’d crash right back down to earth – all that excitement gone, with boredom and discontentment taking its place. 

  

“They can’t be ‘the one’,” I’d tell myself. Surely ‘the one’ would make me feel a permanent adrenaline rush? Time and time again, I took the only course of action that seemed right - ending the relationship before it had even properly begun. This cycle continued over and over until I became fully convinced I wasn’t cut out for long-term love. 

 

  

There was one exception to the boredom rule, and sadly it wasn’t a healthy one. My pre-ADHD aware self couldn’t seem to get enough of people who treated me badly. I was like a magnet to the sucker punch, riding high on the experience of being treated poorly and constantly seeking approval. 

  

  

In addition to making poor dating choices, I often struggled with my internal ups and downs. Not knowing I had ADHD, and therefore not making good choices to regulate myself, meant my energy and mood could vary wildly. I was acutely aware that on a down day, I wasn’t fun company for whoever I was dating. Knowing this, yet feeling powerless to control it, made me feel bad about myself. 

  

  

If all of this sounds bleak… it was! However, in 2022, a miracle happened in the form of an ADHD diagnosis that changed my life forever. Finally - an explanation for why my brain didn’t seem to work like everybody else’s, and why something that other people seemed to do effortlessly – dating – was fraught with difficulty for me. 

  

Following my diagnosis, I had a new hyperfocus - to learn everything I could about ADHD, and try to better understand my own behaviours. 

  

As part of this, I spoke to a psychiatrist about my relationship history, and my propensity to be drawn towards toxic situations. They explained why this happens – ADHDers’ dopamine-seeking brains can get caught up in the highs and lows of chasing affection and winning back a partner’s approval. In fact, a study by Psychological Medicine (1) have shown men with ADHD are almost twice as likely as their neurotypical peers to experience an abusive relationship!  
  
Another major discovery was learning that the boredom and lack of contentment I experienced once things felt routine was actually a problem with me, not the other person! What a revelation to discover that the person who would keep me at that first date level of excitement forever doesn’t actually exist, and my ADHD brain was, in fact, creating demands that are impossible to meet. 

  

These revelations were mind-blowing to me, but simply knowing wasn’t enough. I needed to put strategies in place to ensure I didn’t keep running into the same old problems as I had before, especially as I had just met someone lovely who I felt I might have a future with.  

  

With the help of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) I addressed some of the problems I was facing, and came up with coping strategies to keep my blossoming relationship on track. (Spoiler alert, our wedding is coming up shortly). I’ve shared these strategies with you below in case these are helpful.  

  

   

  

My surprise ADHD diagnosis was in many ways a blessing, however, just knowing what had caused my relationship problems didn’t make them disappear overnight. It took hard work and a lot of soul-searching to get to the happy, contented place I am today. I’m fortunate to have such a kind and patient partner, but of course, it still takes work, and there will always be days that are harder than others.  

  

If you want to find love but are struggling, don’t give up. If I can manage to make a relationship work, then anyone can!